Some proper #Apprentice tasks

Isn’t it time those mindless caricatures on the apprentice got to do some meaningful tasks? Something more than sell meat pies off a barrow or daub a bit of paint on a few souvenirs and pretend it’s business.

These are meant to be the brains of modern society, looking to set the corporate world alight with innovation, not start a bloody sweet shop!

As the BBC is a nationalised company, I believe these whiny self-obsessed irritants really should be assigned to solving proper problems so the general public will continue to pay its licence fee:

As from next week, new ‘tasks’ will be allocated as follows:

World debt

‘Good morning boys and girls’ - *grovel, in unison* - ‘Good Morning Headmaster.’

‘In this task, each team will be given a bankrupt third world country, like Ireland for example, and have two days to plead to Barack Obama to lend you a few trillion quid so that it can once again become a popular tourist destination and business gurus like Donald Trump can buy up all their assets and lease them back to them.’ *Smug glare*

'If either team fails in its task, it will be given a knighthood and a 20% cut to its million pound a year pension! Jenna, with a whining gob like yours, people will surely give you money, just to get you to shut-the-fuck up!’

The Armed Forces.

‘Good morning boys and girls’ - *grovel, in unison* ‘Good Morning Mine Feurer.’

‘Yesterday I managed to irritate the Germans so much that this morning they have invaded the Isle of Wight. Your job, in two days, will be to form an entire army, being paid a pittance and, without up-to-date armoury or any form of protective clothing, reclaim this worthy asset in the name of the Queen. If you succeed, she will pat you on the head – HOWEVER – if you fail, your body will be tagged and returned to you loved ones hopefully in a recognisable state.’ *smug glare* ‘Kate you can take the role of Brigadier, and sit around out of the line of fire doing fuck-all!’

The Police

Good morning boys and girls - *grovel, in unison* ‘Good Morning Chief Constable’

‘It has been brought to my attention that organised crime is on the increase in this Country. Therefore, your task this week will be to go on the beat in London’s East End and arrest all the drug-lords, corrupt evil bastards and  facially-scarred ex-cons with only the aid of a night-stick and good honest police-talk. To prove your worthiness to become a business partner of mine, you will undertake this task ALONE, although Nick, here - *miserable grin* will follow some distance behind, moaning and pulling faces as though he knows what the fucks going on. The one who has the most villians locked up in an overcrowded police cell and manages to conclude all the infinite paperwork in triplicate will get a pat on the back and given extra work to do until he gets promoted to sergeant 30 years from now.’ *smug glare* ‘Ricky, I have 20 quid with Bet-Fred that you will be the first to get your face smashed in with a brick-hammer!’

 

Right off you go – more tasks to be announced later in the program.

'Thank you oh Lord and Powerful one, I will win this task so you can truly see what a grovelling little turd I really am!'