READY - AIM - FIRE!

Yes, it’s that time of year again when we all have to cringe down into our sofas. In fact this year, by the looks of some of the contestants on the Apprentice, we may even have to hide behind it.

Has His Grace, the Peer, Lord Knight, Sir Alan once again excelled in bringing together a team of 16 of the most annoying upstarts in Britain. Yep, looks like it.

I am sure his answer to this would be ‘well, you don’t aft to watch it, sunshine!’ – but we do. It’s compulsive viewing, isn’t it? Hands up who screamed at the TV when last year Stuart Bags declared himself as a brand? Yes, you did, didn’t you? Well, this year, say hello to Ricky Martin - and hopefully, goodbye! I hate him already.

And what about the one who talked through her nose the whole time. Could you work with her? No f*cking way; that voice would drive you nuts. To replace her, we have Jenna - once heard, NEVER forgotton. 

Ladies and small creatures beware of the pussycat Gabrielle, she looks very scary.

Gabrielle Omar is a 29-year-old architect from London. Says: "When it comes to business I can be like an animal and I will roar my way to the top!" Roar, ha, lets see it then. Raw more like.

And then there’s: Tom Gearing, 23, is the director of a fine wine investment company. Says: "I'm confident, charismatic, and some people say I'm quite good looking!” Well, that statement is going endear him to his colleagues, isn’t it? He might announce that he just won the Eurovision song contest!

And here’s Michael who claims to be ‘naturally gifted in business!’ No he isn’t. If he, or any of the other irritating contestants, had any ounce of business acumen, they wouldn’t enrol on this debacle of ridicule, having the piss ripped out of them by a superb team of editors that go out of their way to make Sugar look even more smug than he already is - if that’s possible. Instead, they would be out making a living in the real world rather that annoying everyone.

Clever, clever, clever. That’s what it is. I have spent half my life winding people up and I used to think I was pretty good at it.

But the Apprentice is a masterclass. Other TV shows, watch and learn. Never mind the feel-good factor, if BBC wants to survive, then inciting hatred in its viewers is definitely the way to go.