Where the hell were you?

OK, Bad boy, guilty as charged. I have been abset with leave. AWOL.
Trouble is I wear far more heads that I could ever concentrate on. It's not good for a mere mortal.
Maybe its alright if you are Kryton out of Red Dwarf or Wurzle Gummage, but - mercifully - I aint. One day I am blogging and happily writing nonsense, and then the next I am developing computer code, contacting authors and/or writing non-fiction. Let alone the gardening....
Let’s just say, I have an identity crisis…and leave it at that.
However, in my absence I did finish my second novel – It Must Be Hard which has been out on Kindle for a few weeks. The paperback version is in process and will be out next week.
Also, Getting Hard is out on paperback although, it has to be said, not many people are buying it compared to the kindle version.
Maybe that's due to a 2 months absence from this blog. Or perhaps it is just a sign of the digital time.
Either way I Must Try harder … ha, I love the irony!

Catch you soon

toodlepip

POD

Some proper #Apprentice tasks

Isn’t it time those mindless caricatures on the apprentice got to do some meaningful tasks? Something more than sell meat pies off a barrow or daub a bit of paint on a few souvenirs and pretend it’s business.

These are meant to be the brains of modern society, looking to set the corporate world alight with innovation, not start a bloody sweet shop!

As the BBC is a nationalised company, I believe these whiny self-obsessed irritants really should be assigned to solving proper problems so the general public will continue to pay its licence fee:

As from next week, new ‘tasks’ will be allocated as follows:

World debt

‘Good morning boys and girls’ - *grovel, in unison* - ‘Good Morning Headmaster.’

‘In this task, each team will be given a bankrupt third world country, like Ireland for example, and have two days to plead to Barack Obama to lend you a few trillion quid so that it can once again become a popular tourist destination and business gurus like Donald Trump can buy up all their assets and lease them back to them.’ *Smug glare*

'If either team fails in its task, it will be given a knighthood and a 20% cut to its million pound a year pension! Jenna, with a whining gob like yours, people will surely give you money, just to get you to shut-the-fuck up!’

The Armed Forces.

‘Good morning boys and girls’ - *grovel, in unison* ‘Good Morning Mine Feurer.’

‘Yesterday I managed to irritate the Germans so much that this morning they have invaded the Isle of Wight. Your job, in two days, will be to form an entire army, being paid a pittance and, without up-to-date armoury or any form of protective clothing, reclaim this worthy asset in the name of the Queen. If you succeed, she will pat you on the head – HOWEVER – if you fail, your body will be tagged and returned to you loved ones hopefully in a recognisable state.’ *smug glare* ‘Kate you can take the role of Brigadier, and sit around out of the line of fire doing fuck-all!’

The Police

Good morning boys and girls - *grovel, in unison* ‘Good Morning Chief Constable’

‘It has been brought to my attention that organised crime is on the increase in this Country. Therefore, your task this week will be to go on the beat in London’s East End and arrest all the drug-lords, corrupt evil bastards and  facially-scarred ex-cons with only the aid of a night-stick and good honest police-talk. To prove your worthiness to become a business partner of mine, you will undertake this task ALONE, although Nick, here - *miserable grin* will follow some distance behind, moaning and pulling faces as though he knows what the fucks going on. The one who has the most villians locked up in an overcrowded police cell and manages to conclude all the infinite paperwork in triplicate will get a pat on the back and given extra work to do until he gets promoted to sergeant 30 years from now.’ *smug glare* ‘Ricky, I have 20 quid with Bet-Fred that you will be the first to get your face smashed in with a brick-hammer!’

 

Right off you go – more tasks to be announced later in the program.

'Thank you oh Lord and Powerful one, I will win this task so you can truly see what a grovelling little turd I really am!'

READY - AIM - FIRE!

Yes, it’s that time of year again when we all have to cringe down into our sofas. In fact this year, by the looks of some of the contestants on the Apprentice, we may even have to hide behind it.

Has His Grace, the Peer, Lord Knight, Sir Alan once again excelled in bringing together a team of 16 of the most annoying upstarts in Britain. Yep, looks like it.

I am sure his answer to this would be ‘well, you don’t aft to watch it, sunshine!’ – but we do. It’s compulsive viewing, isn’t it? Hands up who screamed at the TV when last year Stuart Bags declared himself as a brand? Yes, you did, didn’t you? Well, this year, say hello to Ricky Martin - and hopefully, goodbye! I hate him already.

And what about the one who talked through her nose the whole time. Could you work with her? No f*cking way; that voice would drive you nuts. To replace her, we have Jenna - once heard, NEVER forgotton. 

Ladies and small creatures beware of the pussycat Gabrielle, she looks very scary.

Gabrielle Omar is a 29-year-old architect from London. Says: "When it comes to business I can be like an animal and I will roar my way to the top!" Roar, ha, lets see it then. Raw more like.

And then there’s: Tom Gearing, 23, is the director of a fine wine investment company. Says: "I'm confident, charismatic, and some people say I'm quite good looking!” Well, that statement is going endear him to his colleagues, isn’t it? He might announce that he just won the Eurovision song contest!

And here’s Michael who claims to be ‘naturally gifted in business!’ No he isn’t. If he, or any of the other irritating contestants, had any ounce of business acumen, they wouldn’t enrol on this debacle of ridicule, having the piss ripped out of them by a superb team of editors that go out of their way to make Sugar look even more smug than he already is - if that’s possible. Instead, they would be out making a living in the real world rather that annoying everyone.

Clever, clever, clever. That’s what it is. I have spent half my life winding people up and I used to think I was pretty good at it.

But the Apprentice is a masterclass. Other TV shows, watch and learn. Never mind the feel-good factor, if BBC wants to survive, then inciting hatred in its viewers is definitely the way to go.

4 Nations rugby?

4 nations, 5 nations, 6 nations, why don’t we just bring in the whole of Europe while we’re at it? Once again, the same 2 teams are battling it out at the end of the 6 nations championship for the chance to become this year’s losers. Italy – a great side that never win anything and, let me see, oh yes, Scotland – a great side that never win anything.

In Ireland we have 4 provincial sides, but only 3 are ever allowed to qualify for the European cup at one time and guess what? It’s always the same 3. Isn’t it about time teams had to qualify for the 6 nations?

Because the professional sport of rugby is losing out by playing back to back international games for 5 weeks during the spring season. It’s fine in the rugby rich nations such as France and England, who get a chance to blood new players while the better ones are away on ‘duty’! But, for the rest of us, the domestic season is robbed by those 2 extra games against two sides who aren’t good enough to compete in the competition.